


The Tragedye of Sanlet, Prince of Denmark

by andmydog



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-14
Updated: 2009-12-14
Packaged: 2017-10-04 10:38:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29039
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andmydog/pseuds/andmydog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hamlet, recast.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tragedye of Sanlet, Prince of Denmark

_Dramatis Personae_

Jyenius, _King of Denmark_  
Sanlet, _son to the late, and nephew to the present King_  
Gokunius, _Lord Chamberlain_  
Goujunio, _friend to Sanlet_  
Shaertes,_ son to Gokunius_  
Gertrude, _Queen of Denmark, and mother to Sanlet_  
Chophelia, _daughter to Gokunius_  
Kouzencrantz &amp; Jiendenstern, _doomed, confusingly verbose courtiers_  
Ghost _of Sanlet's 'father'_

 

**Act I  
Scene 1**   
_Two soldiers guarding the castle walls._

Sol.1: Sup?  
Sol.2: Sup yourself? Got a light?

_An orange paper airplane flies out of nowhere and lands at their feet._

Sol.1: Aw, fuck.

_[Enter Goujunio]_

Gou: Is there an intruder? Do I get to show off my mad ninja dragon skills?  
Sol.2: Nope. _(Points)_ We got us a ghost.  
Gou: Before my God, I might not this believe  
Without the sensible and true avouch  
Of mine own eyes.  
Sol.2: Is it not like the King?  
Gou: Of course it's the dead King. Stupid mortal. Let's go get the Prince.

**Scene 2**   
_Audience Chamber_

Jyenius: Well, isn't this nice? I get to marry the Queen and start a war with Norway. It's good to be the King.  
Shaertes: And they call me a pervert. I'm going to France.  
Jyeni: Have you your father's leave?  
Gokunius: Why do I have to be the annoying talky guy?  
Sanlet: Shut up, monkey. And you. King. Quit watching me in the bath.   
Gertrude: Black is so not your colour, San-chan. Cheer up!   
Thou know'st 'tis common - all that lives must die,  
Passing through nature to eternity.  
San: And whose fault is that, bitch?  
_[Exit all but Sanlet]_  
San: I'm not reading this.   
Billy Shakespeare: Please?  
San: "Oh, that this too too solid flesh would melt,  
Thaw, and resolve itself into a dew"?  
That shit stinks. No.  
_[Enter Goujunio]_  
Gou: Sanlet!  
San: What? I need a drink.  
Gou: Your father is now a ghost, and has been seen haunting the walls of the castle.  
San: I will watch tonight.  
Perchance 'twill walk again.

 

**Scene 3**   
_Gokunius' house_

Shaertes: I'm off. You gonna miss me?  
Chophelia: Do you doubt that?  
Sha: And no flirting with San-chan while I'm gone.  
Cho: Of course not. And do take care to guard your tongue while in France.   
Sha: Guard my... oi.   
_[Enter Gokunius]_  
Goku: You leaving?  
Sha: Yup.  
Goku: Have fun!  
Cho: So much for the "never a borrower nor a lender be" speech.  
Goku: Huh?  
Sha: Never mind. Farewell, Chophelia, and remember well  
What I have said to you.  
Cho: 'Tis in my memory locked,  
And you yourself shall keep the key of it.   
_[Exit Shaertes]_  
Goku: What is it with you and incest?  
Cho: ...  
Goku: I think Sanlet likes you.  
Cho: Do you really?  
Goku: You can't have him.  
Cho: The thought never crossed my mind.

 

**Scene 4**   
_The wall of the castle_

Sanlet: Fuck it's cold.  
_[A flourish of trumpets, and ordnance shot off within]_  
Goujunio: What's that?  
San: Jyenius is having a party.  
Gou: ...ew.  
Soldier: Hey! The ghost! Angels and ministers of grace, defend us!  
San: Ghost? What do you want?  
Ghost: _beckons Sanlet_  
San: Ok.  
Gou: Be ruled. You shall not go.  
San: Get your fucking hands off me. It's Koumyou. I'm going.

 

**Scene 5**   
_More castle wall_

San: Why are you here?  
Ghost: Jyenius killed me.  
San: Right. I was there.  
Ghost: You should kill him.  
San: No problem.   
Ghost: Remember me.  
San: Really. No problem.   
_[Exit Ghost.]  
[Enter Goujunio]_  
Gou: What happened?  
San: Jyenius killed Koumyou. I'm gonna go kill Jyenius. Keep your mouth shut until then.  
Gou: Oh. All right.

 

**Act II  
Scene 1**   
_Gokunius' house_

Gokunius: Reynaldo! Go see what Shaertes is up to.  
Rey: See if he's gambling?  
Goku: Yeah, or drinking, fighting, swearing, slutting around like the perverted cockroach he is...  
Rey: This _is_ Shaertes we're talking about?  
Goku: Just go, ok?  
_[Exit Reynaldo.]  
[Enter Chophelia]_  
Goku: Chophelia? What's wrong?  
Cho: Something's wrong with Sanlet. He just came after me  
With his doublet all unbraced,  
No hat upon his head, his stockings fouled,  
Ungartered and down-gyved to his ankle.  
Goku: Sanlet was wearing stockings?  
Cho: May I go mad now?  
Goku: Wait. This is the very ecstasy of love. I said you couldn't have him!  
Cho: ...please? Insanity?  
Billy Shakespeare: Peace. Soon.

**Scene 2**   
_A hallway_

Jyenius: Welcome, dear Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern!  
Moreover that we much did long to see you,  
The need we have to use you did provoke  
Our hasty sending.  
Kou: Pervert.  
Jien: Seriously.  
Gertrude: Why is my nephew-son so miserable?  
Kou: You mean you don't know?  
Jien: And I thought my family was fucked up.  
Jyeni: Find out why he's being unfriendly.  
Kou: ...fine.  
_[Exit Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern]  
[Enter Gokunius]_  
Goku: Sanlet is being funny because he's got a crush on Chophelia.  
Gertrude: Really?  
Goku: But she can't have him.  
Jyeni: How about she dumps him and we all watch?  
Goku: Okay!  
_[Everybody leaves, except Gokunius]  
[Enter Sanlet]_  
Goku: You feeling better?  
San: Maggots? I'm supposed to talk about maggots? And fishmongers?  
Billy Shakespeare: Please?  
San: Shut up or die.  
_[Enter Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern]_  
Jien: Yo.  
San: Idiots.  
_[Exit Gokunius]_  
Kou: How have you been?  
San: Bored. Angry. Out of bullets.  
Kou: To think, my lord, if you delight not in man, what lenten entertainment the players shall receive from you.  
San: What are you talking about?  
Kou: Plot point.   
Jien: There's death!  
San: Whatever. Let's go watch the play.  
_[Enter Players]_  
San: Do as I say or I'll shoot you.  
Player: Works for me.

**Act 3  
Scene 1**   
_Yet another room_

Jyenius: So? What's wrong with San-chan?  
Jiendenstern: You are so fucking creepy.   
Kouzencrantz: We don't know.  
Gokunius: Is it time to play with Sanlet's emotions?  
Chophelia: This is such a bad idea.  
Gertrude: I do wish  
That your good beauties be the happy cause  
Of Sanlet's wildness. So shall I hope your virtues  
Will bring him to his wonted way again,  
To both your honours.  
Chophelia: Oh yes. A very bad idea.  
_[Everyone but Chophelia hides]  
[Enter Sanlet]_  
San: It's nobler to shoot the hell out of your troubles and keep one bullet chambered in reserve. That's all you get.  
Billy Shakespeare: Good enough.  
Chophelia: Sanlet  
San: Chophelia.   
Chophelia: I wish to return these things you gave me.  
San: No, not I. I never gave you ought.  
Cho: I heard that you were interested in me.  
San: I loved you not.  
Cho: Ah.  
San: Now leave me alone.  
_[Exit Sanlet]  
[Re-enter Jyenius and Gokunius]_  
Jyeni: Playing hard to get. Naughty princeling.  
Goku: That could've gone better.

 

**Scene 2**   
_Outside the theatre_

Sanlet: Here. Read this.   
Player: You got it.  
_[The play begins]_  
Jyenius: How very accurate.  
San: Gotcha.   
Kouzencrantz: Your mother wishes to speak with you.  
San: Quit spying on me or I'll kill you.  
Jiendenstern: Um. I can't really answer that.

 

**Scene 3**   
_Some room_

Jyenius: Sanlet has become a bore.  
Gokunius: I'll go spy on him.  
Jyeni: Oh, my offense is rank, it smells to Heaven.  
I am a bad bad man.  
I should be punished.  
Bunny: Ok, now you're creeping _me_ out.  
San: What'dya mean I can't kill him now?  
Billy Shakespeare: Plot point!  
San: Fuck your plot point!  
Billy Shakespeare: Just a bit longer?  
San: I hate you.  
Billy Shakespeare: That's valid.

 

**Scene 4**   
_The Queen's room_

Gokunius: I'm gonna hide behind that curtain.  
Gertrude: If you like.  
_[Enter Sanlet]_  
San: What the hell are you doing, being married to that pervert?  
Gertrude: Why don't you let me have any fun?  
San: Bitch. _(draws gun)_  
Goku: Don't shoot!  
San: _(shoots)_  
Goku: Saaaaaaaaaaaanlet... that was meeeeeeeean! _(dies)_  
San: Jyenius killed Koumyou. I'm gonna kill Jyenius.  
Gertrude: That sounds fair.  
Mel Gibson: I played this scene much better.  
Billy Shakespeare: Incestuous bastard.

 

**Act IV  
Scene 1**   
_The Queen's room_

Jyenius: So? What's wrong with the blond brat?  
Gertrude: He's mad.   
Jyeni: Loony or angry?  
Gert: A bit of each. That, and he killed Gokunius.  
Jyeni: No great loss.  
Gert: And took the corpse with him.  
Jyeni: I do like this boy.

**Scene 2**   
_Some hallway_

Kouzencrantz: Sanlet!  
Sanlet: What?  
Jiendenstern: Where's Gokunius?  
San: I really don't like you anymore.  
Kou: The King wants to see you.  
San: Great.

**Scene 3**   
_A big room_

Jyenius: What's up?  
Kouzencrantz: I do not want to know.  
Jiendenstern: He won't tell us where he hid the body.  
Sanlet: I put him in the lobby.  
Jiendenstern: Weirdo.  
Jyeni: Go get him, and bury him properly.  
San: Why can't I kill you?!  
Jyeni: Because first, you have to go to England.  
San: Dammit!

 

**Scene 4**   
_Outside_

Sanlet: Whose army is that?  
Captain: Norways. They're attacking Poland. They have no interest in attacking Denmark, I swear.  
San: This whole country fucking sucks. And Jyenius is still in one piece. I do not know  
Why yet I live to say "This thing's to do".  
Can I kill the playwright?  
Billy Shakespeare: Nope. I'm famous, and therefore immortal.  
San: Fuck!

 

**Scene 5**   
_Somewhere in the castle_

Gertrude: I have no interest in speaking with her.  
Some guy: But you should.  
Gertrude: Fine. Bring her in.  
_[Enter Chophelia, in demon form]_  
Gertrude: Whoa.  
Cho: I believe that I am not quite well.  
Gertrude: You think?  
_[Exit Chophelia]_  
Jyenius: Were those... vines?  
Gertrude: I think so.  
Jyeni: I'm having inappropriate thoughts.  
Gert: Why did I let you reincarnate?  
_[Enter Shaertes]_  
Sha: What the fuck happened to Gokunius?  
Jyeni: For once, it wasn't me.  
_[Enter Chophelia]_  
Sha: Chophelia?  
Cho: Hello, brother. _(points to arm)_ There's rosemary, that's for remembrance - pray you love, remember.  
Sha: I should not be turned on by this.

 

**Scene 6**   
_Another room in the castle_

Sailor: Got a letter for you.  
Goujunio: I have been reduced to messenger? I'm royalty!  
Sailor: You've also got some righteous skin problems.

 

**Scene 7**   
_Yet another room in the castle_

Jyenius: Sanlet killed Gokunius. Team up with me?  
Sha: We do have quite a bit in common.  
Messenger: Letter for the King!  
Jyeni: _[Reads]_ "High and Mighty, you shall know I am set naked on your kingdom. Tomorrow shall I beg leave to see your kingly eyes, when I shall, first asking your pardon thereunto, recount the occasion of my sudden and more strange return". Oh yes please!  
Sha: Stop giving him ammo!  
Billy Shakespeare: But I've got to play to the penny seats!  
Sha: I used to be the perverted one. I really did.  
Jyeni: You're a good fighter, aren't you?  
Sha: Yeah.  
Jyeni: Wanna fight Sanlet?  
Sha: Sure.  
_[Enter Gertrude]_  
Gert: One woe doth tread upon another's heel,  
So fast they follow. Your sister's drowned, Shaertes!  
Sha: ...FUCK!

 

**Act V  
Scene 1**   
_A churchyard_

Clown.1: I'm clever.  
Clown.2: I'm not, but I make a great straight man.  
Clo.1: Go get me booze!  
Clo.2: Okay, George.  
_[Enter Sanlet and Goujunio]_  
San: Who're you planting?  
Clo.1: Some chick.  
_[Enter funeral procession]_  
Gou: Who died?  
Shaertes: Hold of the earth a while  
Till I have caught her once more in mine arms. _(jumps into grave)_  
San: Chophelia? _(jumps into grave)_  
Sha: I keel you!  
San: I prithee, take thy fingers from my throat,  
For though I am not splenitive and rash,  
Yet I have in me something dangerous,  
Which let thy wisdom fear. I said fuck off.  
Sha: I loved her.  
San: I don't emote in public.

 

**Scene 2**   
_A hallway_

Goujunio: Why are you back so soon?  
Sanlet: Jyenius tried to have me killed in England. I switched the papers around. Kouzencrantz and Jiendenstern were pissing me off anyway.  
Gou: When did you get so good at forgery and documentation processing?  
San: That's a stupid question, coming from you, O Great Dragon King.  
Gou: Oh. Right.  
_[Enter Yaosric]_  
Yao: Your lordship is right welcome back to Denmark.  
San: What do you want?  
Yao: Sweet lord, if your lordship were at leisure, I should impart a thing to you from His Majesty.  
Gou: She's more formal than I am!  
San: She always talks like this.   
Yao: The King, sir, hath laid, that in a dozen passes…  
San: Get to the point.  
Yao: He wants you to fight Shaertes.  
San: Fine. Let's go.  
_[The fight is set up, and everyone arrives to watch]_  
San: First blood to me.  
Sha: Dammit!  
San: And second.  
Sha: God dammit!  
Gertrude: I'm thirsty.  
Jyenius: Not the poison! Oh well.  
Sha: Ha! Scratched you, Baldy!  
San: Fuck off and die. Got you again.  
Gert: I die!  
Sha: Me too! It was poison. Fucking bunny-molesting scientists…  
San: Now can I kill him?  
Billy Shakespeare: Go for it.  
San: Finally. _(kills Jyenius)_  
Yaosric: Young Fortinbras, with conquest come from Poland... _(gets blown up)_  
San: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I'm dying too.   
Goujunio: Let me die with you.  
San: You never have before. Why start now? You get to live and tell people what happened.  
Gou: You sure I can't die with you?  
San. No. _(dies)_  
Ambassador: What the shit happened here?  
Gou: Call the cleaning service, let's get some beers, and I'll tell you.  
_[Exeunt omnes]_


End file.
